


Kaleidoscope

by Laika_the_wife



Series: Reflections [13]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Play, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Dark, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fights, Future Fic, Hospitalization, Kitchen Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild S&M, Overdosing, Overstimulation, POV Even Bech Næsheim, Prostitution, Self-Harm, Self-Medication, Self-Reflection, Sequel, Smut, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unhealthy Relationships, Webcam/Video Chat Sex, Webcams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-30 22:13:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13961118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_wife
Summary: Kaleidoscope: kalos (beautiful, beauty) + eidos (form, shape, that which is seen) + skopeō (to look to, to examine) - hence "observation of beautiful forms"Three years after the events of Reflections.Even's really trying to tell his story. It does not go as he thought.This is dark. This is desperate. This will hurt. Eventually it will end happy, with Evak endgame.This will spoil Reflections. If you haven't read that series yet, please do that first. If you think that's too dark and angsty for you - so is this.Welcome to the dark side.Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/tim-my/playlist/5PL3TqELu4e3tha6iLhYYw?si=nxuyJTXQS9qPcR7jWRe8-w





	1. Chapter 1

For two years now Even had carried a small black notebook with him wherever he went. He had already filled one and was well over halfway through the second one. Every night when he got home he copied his notes on sheets of paper and arranged them in a folder, chronologically. Sheet by sheet, note by note, he was building a picture of the years he couldn’t remember.

Of course he remembered  _ something _ . He remembered that he had been on the fast lane. Partying, drinking, fucking, enjoying life. Or, well, trying to enjoy it, but everything had left him hollow. He remembered how the bond between him and Isak had finally worn out enough to snap.

He could not be certain that his recollections were correct. He’d be standing in a line at a store, someone would smell like a perfume he’d remember smelling some night somewhere, and an image would flash into his head. Then he’d take out the notebook and write down all he could, and later try to decipher the memory’s place on the timeline. He was certain that his folder would not tell a story that was true, but it would tell  _ a _ story, and that would do. Even was even so bold that he’d dare call it his story.

He hadn’t told anyone about his project. It was of private nature, the most delicately personal, it wasn’t just working on something important to him, it was working on himself. His self, his essence, memory by memory he was revealing who he was. Who he had been. There were things he would like to forget, but he made sure he included especially those.

Isak had been curious about it at first. He had been asking about what Even was writing, and if he could see it, but Even had declined. Things were so new back then. They were born again, Isak  _ and _ Even, and when taking their first steps hand in hand once more it would have been really fucking stupid to rock the foundation. God, he had missed Isak so much when they weren’t together. Isak was his person. He had known it from the start. And after having first had and then lost Isak, and then finally had him back again, after a long and torturing process of healing for both of them, after over a year in that slow burning purgatory, Isak had finally agreed to move back together. To be them again, to be  _ them _ . Their third re-anniversary was a few months away, and Even had such wonderful plans for it. As soon as he’d get his folder finished he’d get into them.

Even was kind of excited, actually. He had been remembering more things lately, more vividly, and he had made great progress on his folder. He had done such nasty things. He had been such a bad boy. Isak had been right to leave him, but still -- on those same pages Even could see his dark pain. The pain nobody else could truly understand. The pain his illness brought upon him, to be fought day by day, minute by minute. Even would sit up by the kitchen table on sleepless nights and read those pages, trying to understand it himself. He had lived with it for so long, maybe even longer than he knew, and yet he couldn’t fully understand it.

Even yawned as he stepped out of the tram. He had been sleeping badly lately, sitting awake with his notes and pages while Isak had been asleep in the bedroom. At first he had just stayed in bed, watching Isak, he was so beautiful when he was sleeping, but then he had realized he could be using all that time for something productive. Something healing. He’d get out of bed, sit for a while in the kitchen - that while had been stretching out bit by bit, without him really noticing until he just kind of stared at the clock on the microwave and thought that uhhh, okay, it’s almost time to get up already, no reason to go to bed anymore - reading his notes and reorganizing the pages, finding himself. He was doing so much in one day that the hours simply weren’t enough if he’d spent them asleep as well. And he was almost done. The folder was almost complete, after two years of hard work put into it, it was finally close.

Isak was probably starving. After all this time he still hadn’t figured cooking out. And it was okay, Even was happy to cook for him, to provide. His salary from Coffee Hut wasn’t much, they lived mostly off Isak’s money, so Even liked to contribute in other ways. He was not ready to leave Coffee Hut and find a better paying job. He needed his stability and routines. Every once in a while Even had glanced at the webcam and thought about it, just briefly, all the money he could be making with it, on some proper site this time, or maybe freelancing, but he knew Isak would never agree to it. He knew Isak would be right. So he stuck with serving coffee and making Isak dinner.

Maybe, Even thought to himself while climbing up the stairs, they could have some quality time after dinner. Possibly take a shower together? Their bathroom was tiny and shared showers were very, very inefficient in getting anything clean, but clean wasn’t exactly what Even was in the mood for anyway. Something quick and dirty, maybe Isak could do him standing up in the shower if he asked nicely. Even was smiling when he dug out his keys and opened the door.

“Hey babe! Dinner’s on its way!”

He loved coming home to Isak. It made him feel like the man again, the provider. Isak has been home waiting patiently for his man to come back and make his life complete. Well, no, it wasn’t the fifties and Isak had his own life, but still, the idea, on a narrative level, gave Even pleasure. Oh, how he loved stories.

“Babe? Issy?” No reply. Maybe he’s out? No, his shoes were all here, both pairs. They had to get that man more shoes, Even thought, while removing his. They should get that man more everything, really. He could work a couple extra shifts for that. For Isak.

Even entered the kitchen and found Isak there. His heart felt cold. It didn’t stop beating but it turned into ice, he could hear it crackle in his ears.

“What are you doing?”

He could tell what Isak was doing. He could see what he was doing. He just didn’t want to believe it. But he had to. It was right there, in front of his eyes, his folder. His life. His story. In front of Isak, open on the kitchen table, Even saw Isak stroke the page with his fingertips and had to fight back a sudden urge to slap them off. That urge scared the shit out of him, he was not violent! Especially not towards Isak! He was just so. So. Angry.

“That is private.” Even was surprised to hear how level and steady his voice was. It sounded flat, like metal.

“This?” Isak says, quietly. He’s not looking at Even. He was making a point of not looking at Even, he knew perfectly well how crazy that drove him. If he doesn’t look at Even, how can he respond? “This is everything. You barely sleep anymore, Even. All you do is this. Your big project.”

“I do you on a regular basis.”

“You do me all the fucking time too! It’s either this or me, I’m surprised you actually go to work anymore.”

Even snarled at Isak. How dare he complain? He had done so well! He had worked so hard! He had been doing this project for  _ two years _ just for them. So they could wrap up the past and move on, together, to their bright future. And Isak didn’t think it was important? He didn’t respect Even’s privacy? That was what hurt the most. The violation. He had trusted Isak, told him that the folder was off limits, and he had now broken that trust. It felt like Isak had taken a knife and made a long cut from Even’s chest down to his groin and stuffed both his hands in the wound. He had invaded Even’s privacy, and he had invaded Even’s soul.

“Or how the hell do I know. Do you go to work, Even? Actually, for real, go to work and do your job there?”

Okay. Isak was pissed at him. He should have guessed that, he had written absolutely  _ everything _ into those pages that Isak had read without his permission. What he had done, with who, how it had been. Isak must have been so jealous. He had started sleeping around before the break up. He was not proud of it.

“Give it to me.” Even reached out his hand. He wanted his life back, thank you. It wasn’t ready yet. It wasn’t meant for Isak. It was his.

“I’m worried about you, Even. You need help.”

“I need that folder.”

Isak stood up and grabbed the folder. He threw it on the floor at Even’s feet.

“I can’t do this again!” Isak was screaming. “You don’t see anything else but yourself.”

Even stared at the papers fluttering on the floor at his feet. Fucking Isak could have at least closed the rings first. But he did his best to keep his cool, he did not want to start a screaming match with Isak. Not when he was this upset. He could’ve said anything. So he didn’t say anything at all, he just grouched to gather his papers back together. He let Isak do the screaming, he seemed to be on a roll with it anyway.

“Look at me, you fucking asshole!” Isak stepped in front of Even, he stepped  _ on _ the papers, and he pulled his jeans up, baring his ankle. It took Even a few seconds to understand what he was supposed to be looking at. Isak had been cutting again. There were the oldest scars, almost invisible, from years ago, but also fresher ones. Some about a week old, some a couple of days old and some fresh. Even grabbed that ankle to look at it closer. Isak yanked his foot away from him.

“You have seen me naked every fucking day and you haven’t seen them. I have been hurting myself for  _ a month _ and you haven’t noticed anything.” Isak wasn’t screaming anymore. His voice had broken. Even didn’t understand.

“Have you done something?”

“What?!” Ah, there it was again, the strength in Isak’s voice.

“You’re hurting yourself. Why the punishment?”

Isak was silent. He was silent for so long Even had to look up at him.

“You have got to be kidding me”, Isak said. “Are you saying you think I have done something? Perhaps someone? Maybe a  _ certain _ someone?”

“I’m not saying anything, I’m asking.”

“I just wanted you to notice me!”

“I have been fucking you three times a day for a week! How insatiable are you?”

Isak covered his mouth with his hand. His green eyes were glistening with tears.

“I can’t”, Isak said into his palm, shaking his head. “I just can’t. I’m staying at Eskild’s tonight. And tomorrow.”

Even didn’t understand what was happening. He  _ knew _ what was going on but he didn’t understand it at all.

“Are you leaving?”

“Let me ask you something.” Isak didn’t wait for permission, he asked anyway. “Do you really think that --” Isak nodded at the papers on the floor. “-- is how it happened?”

Even felt his ears blush. And his neck, in red palm sized spots, they felt hot.

“Yes.” He was ashamed of it, but yes, that was what had happened.

Isak just shook his head. He squeezed his palm against his lips and shook his head, tears ran down his cheeks and he backed away. Suddenly Even remembered seeing a backpack by the door. It was usually empty, and in the closet. Isak had packed beforehand so he could just leave, a swift exit. Even started to gather his papers together. He heard the door open, and he heard it close.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Alcohol

Having gathered all the pages from the floor Even sat by the kitchen table assessing the situation. Isak had left. For tonight, and tomorrow night. He had not left for good. He was taking a break. And, to be honest, Even was kind of happy that he was out of the way. Isak claimed Even hadn’t noticed him, but he had, and he had noticed how disgruntled Isak had been lately. He did not need that kind of toxic negativity into his life right now, did he?

Yes, he fucking did. He was not stupid. He was not some leaf floating in a creek, completely unable to change his direction. That thought was just so, so much easier. To be the leaf, to float down the water, to crash into the rocks and finally wash out either on the shore or to the sea. Even closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in that image, that endless, vast sea, just carrying him along forever. Then he opened his eyes, and they had determination. He would fix this. He  _ could _ fix this.

First things first. Even needed to map out what was what and where he was in relation to other things. Like Isak. While he was thinking about it he let his hands rearrange the pages back into their order. He could multitask easily, always could have. Oh, the stories he had plotted while serving coffee, or making dinner, all the memories he had recollected on those seemingly idle moments. He never bragged with it, but he was intelligent. Way above average.

Where was he. Right, Isak. Isak was obviously being unreasonable. And demanding. And impatient. All not the most alluring qualities of his. He did have so much going for him, too, like his strength and his near stubborn determination, his kindness, his absolutely to die for beauty and body. Isak had asked Even once would he still love him if he got fat, or paralyzed, or amputated or something, things like that happened to people all the time, their bodies changed. Even didn’t remember what he had answered him, but he was certain he had assured Isak was being silly. Of course he would love him, no matter what. And he did. Isak was unreasonable, demanding, impatient and downright bratty, and still all Even really wanted now was for him to be forgiven, for Isak to return home. And let him work, and. His anger surfaced again. Fucking Isak. How  _ dare _ he invade Even’s privacy like that?

It was just like it had been with Sonja, wasn’t it? Even is volatile, Even is fragile, Even must be kept an eye on at all times, Even deserves no space of his own because it’d be like letting a three year old play with knives. Even is unreliable. Even is unstable. Even needs to be have his hand held through the smallest of bumps or Even will go  _ mental _ . Even will go  _ crazy. Even is crazy. _

He was not crazy.

He was fucking not crazy.

Isak was the crazy one, wasn’t he?

He had been deprived of Even’s full attention and that had made him hurt himself. For attention. What was he, fourteen?

Pathetic.

Even closed the folder. All the papers didn’t fit properly, he hadn’t yet put them back on the rings. Whatever. It was ruined now anyway, Isak had tainted it by looking at it before it was done. Maybe Even should just burn it. Burn the past, burn all the bridges, he’d take the ashes and sprinkle them on himself and go squirm at Isak’s holier than thou feet.

Fucking Isak.

Fucking  _ no. _

No. Even shook his head, to snap himself out of it. No. He loved Isak. Isak was the most important, the most precious thing in his life. He was the only solid, constant good. And now he had gone. For two nights, Even, you can handle yourself for two fucking nights. Maybe it was a test? Isak knew Even needed space. This was a test, to see how he could handle his space. Would he make it through the nights or would he burn everything.

If he was honest to himself, if he dared be, even part honest, just a glimpse of the truth behind the veil -- Even was a bit worried. He was a bit scared of matches.

Dinner. He was supposed to be making dinner. Even got up, too quickly, too carelessly, he hit his head on the lamp hanging from the ceiling above the kitchen table. He did that regularly, as did Isak, and neither of them got around to doing something about it. They were tall guys, that’s all there was to it. Even cussed and rubbed his head. The light in the room was swinging, back and forth, back and forth, Even stared at it - how do you stare at light spread out in a room, exactly? - and the rocking motion, mesmerized. He was about to remember something.

He is pansexual, but he sure loves cock. Long cocks, short cocks, thick cocks, thin cocks, cut and uncut, hairy and shaved, he loves them all equally. Because he is a god of all things cock. He is swinging, he is light, he is weightless and rocking through the air back and forth, surrounded by a wreath of cocks. He is laughing, so loud it covers the music, his laughter fills the room all the way up to the ceiling. He is not sure if he is asleep or awake. He is basking in the worship and glory from his subjects gathered around him, and when the first stream of opaque white splashes on his chest he makes a delighted little scream, then he gets more, and more, he bathes in that essence of love and acceptance, he rubs it into his skin with both hands and he is illuminated, he is translucent, he is beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Even’s phone beeped. He blinked. The lamp was hanging steady again, the light was stationary, except for the blinking on the kitchen countertop. He had received a message. He reached out for his phone, took it and unlocked the screen, barely noticing the photo of him and Isak on the lock screen.

Isak  
Eat dinner. Take your pills.

Even  
I’m sorry! Please come home! I miss you and I need you, I love you so much babe.  
You can do me tonight if you want to  
Or I can do you. Or we can switch! Yes, let’s do that?  
Why aren’t you reading my messages?  
Pling  
Pling  
Pling  
Read me  
Pling  
Read me!  
I love you, asshole!  
Fine  
Be like that  
Fuck off

Even threw his phone on the counter. Isak could be such a fucking bitch sometimes. He knew how to make Even squirm and he abused that power on a regular basis. He needed his space, his privacy, his love, his affection and his company. It wasn’t fucking rocket science. He wasn’t some fucking orchid, he was just a cactus. A dick shaped one. Even giggled at that idea. Oh yes, he was a dick shaped cactus and Isak was some pussy looking fly trap thing. A flesh eater.

Oooookay. He really was pissed at Isak. He had every right to be. Even took a long, deep breath, one through each nostril in turn. Calm and collected. He didn’t want to but knew he needed to consider that maybe Isak might have had a point too. That was how relationships worked. And, to be honest, Even kind of had noticed by now that he wasn’t very. Uh. Stable? It was just the interrupted project, he had focused so intensely on it and it had been taken from him in one swift yank, out of the blue. His creative energy had lost its outlet, that’s all there was to it. He just needed to find a new one and get grounded and he’d be good as new. Isak could come home.

Even opened the cabinet under the sink. Score. He took the bottle out and twisted the metal cap open. It made a satisfying crack. Such a familiar sound, like a song that was playing on the radio constantly and then dropped off the charts. Welcome back on the waves, blast from the past, let’s dance. Let’s sway. Put on your fucking red shoes, click the heels, there’s no place like home.

Even woke up to the sound of an empty bottle rolling along the floor. He was so fucking drunk. He was absolutely wasted. He was really horny. He looked into the kitchen from the couch where he was half laying, and try as he might, he couldn’t really focus his eyes. But he knew his phone was there. So close. So fucking far away. Just like Isak, Even thought and sniffed, from the bottom of his chest. Fuck. He missed Isak SO MUCH. He wasn’t mad at him at all anymore, the grounding had worked, he just missed him.

He tried to stand up. It was a bad idea, he made it halfway up when he got dizzy from the heights and had to tumble back down, nauseated. Okay, no standing up. But he had long arms! He could reach the counter from the floor! Ha! He had outwitted the blasted gravity and vertical space. Even eased himself down on the floor on his hands and knees and started to crawl to the kitchen. He was swaying a bit but he stayed on course. He made his way through the floor. He was tall, he was such a long boi, he didn’t have to move his arms and legs too many times until he had reached his goal. The kitchen counter. Even reached his hand up on it and felt light headed immediately. But he was already on the floor, no worries, none whatsoever. No..worries.

Even woke up when his arm smacked on his own face.

“OW! Fuck!”

He rubbed his nose and eye. He had hit himself. How stupid was that! Was he turning into Isak, hurting himself on purpose? The thought of Isak wrenched his gut. He missed him so fucking much. He wanted him so fucking bad. Where the hell was his phone? Right, right, on the counter. Even reached up again, fumbled back and forth, and finally found his phone.

Ooh, he had a message! From Isak! How did he know Even missed him?

Isak  
Go to bed.

Even looked at the message with a stupid grin on his face. He knew! Isak knew he wanted to go to bed with him. To sleep with him. He had deserved a treat for his clairvoyance. Even rested the phone on his thigh and started to undo his jeans. It took him very little time, he had done this drunk blind so, so many times. He eased the rubber band of his boxers down and took his dick out. He was so drunk he couldn’t get it hard, not properly, try as he might. Semi hard it was, then, Isak would totally get the idea from that too. The concept. He was such a clever boi. Even took his phone and aimed carefully, the flash blinded him for a moment. When he could see again he pressed send. Oh boy, Isak would be so pleased to see him thinking about him with so much fondness.

The phone clacked onto the kitchen floor.

Even didn’t wake up to the sound.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added people: Jonas

Someone was in the apartment. Even heard sounds, he heard the bottle roll along the floor, or maybe it was a memory. From last night. His head was heavy. He smelled vomit. He could barely open his eyes, his eyelids were so heavy and somehow he had gotten grains of sand under them. He grunted.

“Finally, you’re awake.”

He knew that voice. It was out of place. It wasn’t supposed to be here, was it?

“Even. Don’t fall asleep now. We need to get you into the shower.”

The floor was rocking. Swaying. Back and forth. His throat felt like he had tried to deepthroat a cactus. Was it shaped like a dick? Did they actually own a cactus? Even needed to focus. He needed to open his eyes. One, two three, go. Two, three, go! Go!

His shoulder was nudged.

“Even. Open your eyes.”

“I’m trying! Stop fucking nagging already.” It was Isak. Isak was here. Nobody nagged to him like Isak did. Nothing was ever enough for him, nothing Even could do, he always had to try harder. He was getting tired of it.

“Try better. You need that shower.”

“I need a drink!”

“There’s vomit on your dick.”

That made Even open his eyes. Oh, yes, there it was, his dick, out of his pants. He had thrown up on himself and on his poor dick too.

“Well, fuck.”

“Can you get up?”

“I gueeeess?” If the swaying just stopped. Even tried to kick the red shoes off his feet.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to stop the swaying.” Isak didn’t understand. He never did. He was always a step behind.

“Even, please. Let me help you up.”

“Don’t touch me!”

Isak stepped back. Even didn’t look at his face, he didn’t have to. He knew he’d look disappointed. Or hurt. Or tired, or, worst of all, bored. Even had to show him. He had to get up. It took him a while, and he had to return back sitting a couple of times, but finally he had pulled himself up on his wobbly feet. Yes. He didn’t need Isak’s help.

Isak stayed in the kitchen to clean up the floor while Even staggered to the shower. He didn’t take his clothes off to do so. Too much trouble, and they were covered in sick as well, so what was the point. When he was clean he stepped out of the shower and dried himself with a towel. His soaked clothes clinged onto his skin. He was cold. He was dripping water on the floor when he returned to the kitchen.

“What the fuck Even?!” Isak was at it again, immediately. He rushed to him and started undressing him. Even smiled to himself. Hungover sex was always so nice. It had been forever since he had last enjoyed that, even longer since he had done it with Isak. When his shirt fell on the floor it made a splat, it was a dirty sound. Hot. Even grabbed Isak and kissed him, he kissed him hard.

Isak pushed him away.

“No.”

“But babe I want you so much.” Even tried to kiss Isak again. He turned his head away and stepped back.

“Even, I said no.”

“You never say no!”

“Well NOW I DO.”

Isak really didn’t have to yell. Even was right here, only a step away, in their small kitchen. How rude of him to yell like that, knowing how hungover Even was. A thought flashed at the back of his groggy brain. It was a small led light, an alert, he needed to notice something now. He really, really needed to realize something now. What had he just missed? Whatever it was, it was important.

He didn’t have time to pinpoint it. Isak asked him to take off his jeans too.

“You’re sending very mixed messages.”

“You’re dripping water on the floor, idiot. Take them off immediately, I’m getting you something else to wear.”

Isak went to the bedroom. Even stayed in the kitchen, getting really upset and mad at his jeans. They were clinging to him, he almost fell over twice trying to pull them off. He wasn’t sure if he was hungover, after all, or just still drunk.

“Here.” Isak had brought him clothes. Black boxers, dark blue skinny jeans, a black t-shirt and a navy hoodie. Even threw his soaking wet boxers on the floor and got dressed again. Meanwhile Isak took his wet clothes to the bathroom and dried the floors. There he was again, cleaning up Even’s mess. Even took the water bottle Isak pushed into his hand and drank it empty.

Then he noticed the backpack on the chair by the kitchen table. He stared at it, blinking slowly. Had he slept over 24 hours? He checked the date from his phone. No. Isak had returned early.

“I thought you’d be gone until tomorrow morning.”

“That was before I got the world’s worst dick pic in the middle of the night. I want to make sure you’re safe. You’re clearly having an episode again.”

_ Even is crazy. _

“Did your lover get sick of your nagging too?” Even didn’t look at Isak. He couldn’t. He was scared he’d get the urge, or thoughts, about hitting him again. He was not violent. They were just thoughts and he never, ever, ever would let anyone else in the world know about them. Still, he clenched his fist.

“My what now?”

It made perfect sense, really. Isak never said no. Practically never. Especially if they were at the stage of undressing. He was already satisfied. By his lover. Even had known it, no matter how many times Isak had tried to deny.

“Jonas.” Even spat that name out like it had a foul taste. It did. “Your schoolboy crush so very conveniently back in your life.”

“I am not fucking with Jonas! He’s married!

“Like that would stop you.” Even kept spitting words out of his mouth. He was so. Insulted. Violated. He didn’t know what he was exactly but he felt it consume him. He knew Isak was the fuel in the flames.

“Are you listening to yourself right now, Even?”

“Fuck you! I am NOT CRAZY!” He was not! He was not going to be fucking gaslighted. Isak was cheating on him.

“I left you alone for one night and you got drunk out of your mind. You are not well, Even, please.”

You are not well, Even, fucking please. Even is crazy. Even needs a babysitter.

“I don’t need you holding my hand all the fucking time.”

Isak took the folder. Two sheets of paper floated on the floor.

“Even you need to let me read this to you. You need to really listen to what it says.”

“Was this his idea? Did he come up with it when he was fucking you or in the afterglow?”

Isak put the folder away and grabbed Even’s arm. Why did he take his arm, was he thinking he’d actually hit him? Was that what Isak thought he was, a violent partner?

“Even, please. Let’s call your doctor.”

“Great! Let’s call them right away!” Even picked his phone up from the counter. Isak must have put it there from the floor. When he was holding it, it buzzed.

Isak  
Eat lunch. Take your pills.

Even stared at the phone. Then he looked at the clock. He looked at Isak, who was clearly not holding his phone right then. He was fuming.

“Do you have an  _ app _ for this?”

Isak looked away. Even looked at Isak, eyes wild, his hair hanging wet down his face. Isak was not only hovering over him, he had fucking automated it for his convenience. What would the next step be? A band around his ankle to keep him tracked? Even couldn’t take this now. He couldn’t have this conversation, he needed space. He needed to fucking breathe.

Isak was holding his arm. He knew how to make him leave.

“Get out”, Even said, gritting his teeth. “Get out now, Isak, leave, take your fucking backpack and go.”

Isak squeezed his arm.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Oh yes he was. He would go running. Even yanked his arm free and staggered forward - yes, he was still drunk, you’re definitely plastered old chap - to the windowsill. He grabbed a potted plant. He noted there were no cacti there, so he probably hadn’t deepthroated one after all. That was good.

“Even?”

Oh, right. He was in the middle of something here. Even swirled around and smashed the plant on the floor at Isak’s feet. He had aimed further away, closer to himself, but the dirt and a couple of pieces of clay spread all over Isak’s socks. It was too late to back down now. Commitment was key.

“Go back to your lover you fucking whore! We both know how easy it is for you to cheat!”

That was a low blow. He knew it. But it worked. Isak looked shattered. He looked like the poor plant on the kitchen floor at their feet. Isak didn’t say anything anymore, he just stepped over the devastation and took his backpack. He walked out of the kitchen. He walked out the door.

Even looked at the mess he had made. The mess Isak wouldn’t be around cleaning up. He grabbed another plant and smashed it next to the other one, as hard as he could. It made a really satisfying crash.


	4. Chapter 4

After three days without being in contact with Isak Even got the hint.

Even  
Did you dump me?

Isak  
I’m not sure if that’s possible right now.

Even  
???

Isak  
Get help. I’ll see you on the other side.

Even  
I do not need help I need you

Isak  
I need to stop last time from happening.

Even  
You have been here when I’ve been gone  
Sneaking around  
You are good at that aren’t you?

Isak  
Seriously. Get. Help.  
I love you.

Even  
No you don’t  
If you loved me you wouldn’t leave me

Isak  
I am not leaving you.  
I’m taking refugee from your episode.

Even  
I AM NOT CRAZY  
FUCK YOU

Isak was wrong. He was not having an episode. It was just. He was just. Well, not having an episode! He hadn’t spent any money at all! That proved it. He had been sensible and gone to the store and bought twenty five packs of instant noodles so he didn’t have to waste time cooking only for himself. And they were on sale. Sensible! It was nothing like the last time, Isak was being unreasonable and blowing things out of proportion. As usual.

God he missed Isak.

He missed his smile. The one that made his eyes squint, the one where his mouth wasn’t perfectly symmetrical and the left side reached further than the right. When had he last seen that particular smile? Even closed his eyes, resting his phone on his chest, he was on his back on the couch and tried to remember. Isak, Isak’s smile the sound of his laughter. He had to dig further than he’d liked.

He opened the messages again. He took a screenshot and cropped it, and he saved the screenshot of that image as his lock screen.

Isak  
I am not leaving you.

Even looked at the screen. When it turned black he activated it again. And again. And again. He was studying. He was memorizing. He knew, in his heart and in his soul and somewhere in his thistle tangle of a brain he knew, that there would be a time when he would have use for that particular piece of information. And that time was drawing near.

 

Even stared at the pill bottles on the kitchen table. He had forgotten to take his meds more than once lately, but had he taken them today? What day was it anyway? He checked his phone and saw the message from Isak and tapped at it to open it. Then he remembered that yes, right, it was a picture. Not a message, a picture. Even put the phone away, why was he holding it if he hadn’t got any actual messages?

Okay. The pills. Even opened all the bottles and emptied them on the table. The rattling sound they made was really interesting. He might use that as an effect on some video later. He took a pen and wrote on the tablecloth PILL RATTLE SOUND so he wouldn’t forget. He forgot things so easily lately. Must have been all the stress from this break with Isak.

It took him a second to figure out why his pills were all over the table. He was supposed to count them! If he counted them and looked at the date on the bottle and subtracted the pills in the bottle from the number on the bottle he’d see if he had taken his meds that day or not. Ingenious. Even took a handful of pills and started counting them into the empty bottle.

He had gotten to over a hundred. He frowned. He looked at the number on the bottle. 98. He emptied the bottle into a pile and counted again. When he got to 98 there were still pills on the table. What was he missing? Even took the remaining pills on his palm. He twirled them around with his thumb. Then he got it.

“Well, fuck me.”

There were more than one kind of pills in the pile. He had just raided the cabinet and poured everything out but he had several different kind in there. It had taken a few tries to find medication that suited him, and he had never gotten around to throw the unfit ones away. Now he had no idea which were which. There were small differences in sizes and shape, but without a reference point he had no idea which were his meds.

He could have asked Isak. He was certain Isak knew how his pills were supposed to look like. But that would have meant that Isak would have found out that he hadn’t been taking his meds. That always got him so wound up. It wasn’t like Even needed the pills anyway, they were more for Isak’s peace of mind. Isak was not here. However saddening that thought was, it also meant that he was free. It was only sensible, wasn’t it, to not take some random pills from a pile anyway. He was being sensible. He was not crazy.

Even returned home from the ATM. He had to make sure he was not having an episode. He head to see his money, and he had to keep track of it, and it was easiest when you worked with cash. He swept the pills aside with his arm. A couple of them clicked and clacked onto the floor. Even took the pen and wrote under the rattle note CLICK CLACK. Then he took out his money and started to count it. He made nice, neat stacks of each kind of bill and stroked at them with his fingertips. He had so much left. He had not spent it randomly on something stupid. He was not having an episode, he had known it.

Ugh. It was so gloomy in the apartment. Even looked around. He looked at the dirty noodle pot on the stove. At the pile of clay fractures, dirt and plants on the floor, and at the pills all over the table and around it. What a drag, he thought. He needed to cheer up. He knew just the way. He had to put on his red shoes again. Dance the blues away. Even took his phone and put his pre party playlist on. The apartment was so silent that he had to turn the volume as far up as it could go to cover the emptiness. Even took the phone with him into the bathroom and hit the shower.

He had always liked water. It saddened him that there weren’t really any bathtubs long enough for him to immerse himself completely under water. No illusion of the sea for the long bois. This apartment had no tub whatsoever, not long or short, just a shower. He really wished they had a pool. Maybe they should revisit the pool where they first kissed with Isak? Fuck, that was like forever ago. Why was he thinking about something so distant?

“Fucking Gabrielle!”

Even almost slipped and fell over when he rushed out of the shower to his phone. Skip skip skip skip skip he did not need this right now hell no. He was going out alone, he didn’t want to think about Isak, he was supposed to be free for a fucking moment. The phone slipped in his wet hands and fell on the tile floor. The screen shattered. At least the song had been skipped but  _ fuck. _

He went to finish his shower first. He could not do anything about the screen now, and he needed to wash the soap off his skin and shampoo out of his hair anyway. He stepped out, picked up the phone and tried again. Nope. The screen was gone, he got the lock screen on but didn’t get past that.

Isak  
I’m not leaving you.

He had to fix this. It was sensible use of money, he needed a fucking phone didn’t he? He might as well get an upgrade while he was at it, there was no point in buying an expensive piece of technology that would be obsolete in a year. His phone was old anyway, but the screens were still fucking pricey. He’d be much wiser to replace the whole thing. Get a fresh battery, good processing power, all that jazz. This cloud definitely had a silver lining. Or, to be precise, a rose gold one. He had wanted a rose gold phone for forever, they were so outrageously indulgent.

An hour later Even was the proud owner of a brand new phone. He had spent nearly all his money on it. If he wanted to go out partying he needed to get more somewhere. He could not ask Isak, he would know that he had broken his phone. Yet more evidence that he needed a babysitter, he would never, no way in hell, give something like that for Isak to throw at him when he stabbed him with words like whore and cheater. He was not going to give Isak grenades.

He needed money. He couldn’t ask Isak. Who else could he ask? Even sat at the kitchen table again, the box and accessories of his new phone and the carcass of his old one spread around. For some reason the tablecloth by the box read SOUND CLICK CLACK. Weird. He brushed it off his mind and focused on upgrading his phone again. He needed to transfer the contacts and pictures and such. The screen was working again, sort of, but the guy at the store thought the connectors or something must have been loosened. Whatever. He was on a schedule here, he had to copy his contacts and pictures and notes and music when the screen was still working.

When he was done he had to check. For everything. Even looked at picture after picture after picture to make sure they were all there. Then he ran through the music folder. And finally the contacts, he scrolled down and. He stopped. He had forgotten he had this number. He licked his lips quickly, took a deep breath and held.

CALLING  
Daddy T


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Overstimulation, Mild S&M, Masturbation, Anal Play, Smut

He was still hot. He had kept hitting the gym, obviously, and his suit fit him so well. He looked powerful. Even was salivating when he was looking at his screen. Beside Daddy T’s image was his own. He looked like shit compared to the man he was seeing.

“I don’t think I have ever seen you wear clothes, lovely.”

His voice was also the same. It sent shivers down Even’s spine.

This was not cheating. They weren’t even in the same room. He and Isak were on a break. Even smiled a bit. He still had that smile in his pocket, to be worn when needed.

“I’m my own master now. No shitty pornsite rules.”

“How is Isak doing?”

Okay that stung. Even’s smile wavered.

“He’s not here. I kicked him out.”

He looked at the man on the screen. He seemed unhappy. He was frowning, he pressed his fingertips together. Even’s skin prickled. He would be punished soon. He was breathing heavier already, his dick twitched. He loved Daddy T’s punishments. That man always made him come so hard.

“So, lovely. First you fucked up with Isak. Then you fucked up my relationship with him. And now you’re telling me you fucked up with him again?”

“I didn’t know it was him! And I didn’t know you were cheating on him with me.”

“Lovely. What have we discussed about cheating?”

Even blushed. He sure liked it when Daddy T called him lovely. He was getting hard. He tried to stop it but he couldn’t. Maybe he wasn’t even trying that hard?

“That this is not cheating.”

The man on the screen nodded.

“What is this?”

Even licked his lips.

“Business.”

The man nodded.

“Exactly, lovely. Speaking of which, I have wired the money to your account.”

“Yeah I saw it there. Thank you.”

“I don’t usually pay in advance, lovely.”

Even blushed a bit. He was. Well, he was trusted. It felt good. Someone actually trusted him, believed that he could deliver.

“Shall we begin?” Even asked. He was so ready to start, he was squirming a bit on the bed.

“Soon, lovely, soon. First I would like to ask you a couple of things, okay? And don’t you lie to me.”

The smile was gone by now. Even nodded. He still hadn’t decided if he’d lie or not.

“Have you told Isak about what you did with me?”

Even shook his head. No, he had never told. He never would. It was. He was too ashamed to. It wasn’t. Normal. His heart was racing, what would the other question be?

“Why not?”

“I was. I was ashamed.” Even swallowed and noticed how difficult it was. “You were his, and he was yours, and I did these things with both of you because I was a whore.”

Daddy T tilted his head a bit. He looked at Even, really looked at him. His gaze made him squirm.

“I don’t think he ever really was mine. I tried so hard, I tried to save him. He wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t be mine. Because he was yours, he has always been.”

Now the lump in Even’s throat turned into a blade. Like an apple spiced with razors. He didn’t say anything, he had nothing to say. Isak had always been his. He had thrown him away. Repeatedly.

“The last time we had a session. Why didn’t you use your safeword?”

It felt like a punch in the gut. He was drenched, that was what it felt like, like someone had taken a bucket full of shame and poured it all over Even. He couldn’t breathe properly through the flow. He remembered their last session, how fucking much it hurt, how worried he had been about breaking his bones and how Daddy T had said again and again, and harder and harder, and he had done it all. His profile said anything goes and it was added to his rates, and he had been fine with it, really. But Daddy T had given him a safeword and demanded he use it whenever necessary. He had used it a couple of times and had never had any trouble because of that. But not on the last session.

“I had been hurting Isak.”

There it was. His shame, spoken out loud by himself. His own voice. It was shaky and quiet. He swallowed.

“I  _ have _ been hurting Isak.”

He saw the dark glint in the man’s eyes. He leaned a bit forward too, commanding and authoritative. Even bit his lip. He wanted to cry. He couldn’t, not when he was this turned on. Daddy T knew how bad Even needed to be punished for what he had done to Isak. He hadn’t used his safeword in their last session.

“Make me pay, Daddy T.” His voice was thicker now. He needed this so bad. He had been alone for days, not doing anything with anyone and while he had been too busy worrying and shit to feel the pressure, he was feeling it now. He was so fucking horny, and he was so fucking wrong and twisted and he needed to be set straight again. Nobody could set him straight like Daddy T.

“Spill it”, the man commanded. “Every wicked thing you have done. I have time.”

That was true. They were now on a private chat, not on the site with hourly slots and rates. Even felt so nervous. He had done so many wicked things. He was worried to tell them all. He needed to tell them all. That was how he had made it through his camboy days, really, his sessions with Ed and before - and during - him, his sessions with this man. Daddy T washed away his sins and helped him breathe. He had sort of missed that, he just hadn’t dared to name that longing.

Even told him everything. He told him all the names he had called Isak. He told him about the plants, and his violent thoughts. He was a bit horrified when he heard himself, saw himself on the screen, telling about them. But Daddy T was ruthless, he demanded it all. Even gave him all. He was shaking when he was finished. Shaking and crying, he noticed when he rubbed his eyes. His fingers got wet.

“Lovely”, Daddy T said. Even stopped breathing. Now he would receive his punishment. “Take off your clothes.”

His hands were shaking. He knew that Daddy T could see how horny he was. He knew his body through and through, he had seen how it reacted to things. Even removed his shirt and Daddy T could see his nipples, rock hard. He could see his abs, shivering. And when Even took off his jeans, socks and boxers Daddy T could clearly see he was hard, and tight, and wet. Nobody made him drip like Daddy T did, Even thought, blushing. It was wrong. It should have been Isak who did that to his body, but it was not.

“You look horny, lovely. Have you been touching yourself?”

“Not in days, Daddy T.” It was true. It had been days. He had been too busy to. He wasn’t sure about the details. He had been busy. He was shaking again, he needed this so bad.

“Would you like to?”

Lust grabbed Even’s insides and squeezed. He was panting, he was dripping again, he was practically drooling and writhing on the bed.

“I would. Please, Daddy T, can I?”

“Pinch your nipples for me, lovely. Not too hard.”

Oh god, Daddy T wanted to take his time. How long would it take until he could touch his dick? Would he let him touch it at all? Even licked his lips and then pushed his index fingers into his mouth, first left, then right. He twirled the saliva over his nipples, lips shivering, and grabbed them. He pinched them, gently but firmly, it made him moan softly and rock his lips. He was on his knees on the bed, facing the camera, showing Daddy T everything.

“Now, lovely, put your hands on your knees.”

Even grunted silently, frustrated, but he obeyed. He looked directly into the camera. Please, Daddy T. Let your lovely have it.

“You are keeping your hands there until you have answered to my question truthfully. Do you understand?”

Even hesitated. But he nodded. He understood. Daddy T was in charge now, he had to do as he was told. He was a bit scared, but he had no choice.

“When was the last time you had a full night’s sleep?”

Even blinked. What? Was he serious?

“You look like a corpse, lovely. Answer me and I will give you a treat. But if you try lying to me, I will hang up. I have no use for a boy who doesn’t behave.”

He had to think about it for a bit. A full night’s sleep. He suspected that his passing out didn’t count.

“A couple of weeks..maybe a month?”

Daddy T nodded. Then he leaned a bit back. He stroked his lovely dick through his suit pants and Even was drooling again. Oh yes. Was his treat going to be Daddy T’s dick?

“Would you like to see my dick, lovely?”

Even nodded, repeatedly. He would like it very much. That dick, he thought, had been inside Isak. He imagined how Isak must have looked then and his own dick twitched again. Daddy T opened his pants and pulled them down a bit. Even could see his underwear, they were black silk. He squeezed his knees.

“Are your thoughts changing subject rapidly or suddenly?”

“What?” Even whispered, his eyes fixed on the black silk and the bulge under it.

“You heard me, lovely.”

“Always. I think quick.”

“Good boy. Here.” Daddy T took his cock out. Even gasped, pressing his fingertips into his thighs and rocking his hips a bit. It was so handsome. When Daddy T moved his hand up and down the shaft for a couple of times, showing Even how the foreskin moved back and forth, hiding and revealing the glistening tip, Even was squirming.

“How often have you been fucking Isak lately? Have you fucked someone else?”

Even blushed. He was so dirty. He was a slut, he was a nymphomaniac. Daddy T’s voice purred softly, it stroked his skin and raised it to goosebumps.

“Three times a day. Only Isak.”

Daddy T tilted his head, licking his lips. He liked his dirty slut, Even could tell.

“Three strokes, lovely. Make them count.”

Even lifted his hand. It was shaking, all of him was shaking. Three strokes, it was so horribly little and so much. He grabbed his dick at the base, hard, and moved his hand slowly up. He was panting. “O..one.” He moved his hand down and back up again. It felt so good. “Two.” One more time. He twisted his wrist a bit when going down, and then back when he came up. His whole dick was shiny now from the precum he had spread on it. He let go very reluctantly. “Thhhree. Thank you Daddy T.”

“You’re welcome, lovely. Now, tell me, what have you been eating lately?”

Even squirmed. He didn’t want to answer that question. He didn’t know the answer, really, he wasn’t sure. But Daddy T gave him a stern look, stroking his cock slowly, and he needed his reward.

“I ate some noodles yesterday?”

“You can touch your nipples again.”

Even didn’t hesitate one bit. His hands flew up on his chest and he stroked and pinched his nipples, feeling the ripples of passion flow down his skin to his crotch. He bucked his hips again, and when he did Daddy T ordered him to stop. He placed his hands back on his knees, panting. He was turning into a wreck. Daddy T wrecked him, and he loved it.

It was. Intense. It was the hardest thing Even had ever done. He almost said his safeword a dozen of times but he never did. Daddy T asked him questions that made him want to die or smack himself, and he answered them truthfully and in return Daddy T gave him pleasure, not pain. Instead of denying him he had let him come, not once but two times already.

“Look at yourself, lovely.”

Even obeyed. He was crying again, tears were running down his face, and his stomach and thighs were covered in his cum. He looked frail, he looked like a corpse. The only thing alive in him was his rock hard dick, standing up from the wreckage that was his body. His eyes were dark and dead as well.

“You know what I am about to tell you.”

Even sniffled. And nodded. He knew. He had known, he had been told the very same thing days ago.

“You ticked every box, lovely.”

Even sniffled again, harder. More raspy and raw. He looked at his image on the screen and he was shaking.

“Is there anyone you can call and talk about this?”

He shook his head. There was nobody.

“Are you absolutely sure, lovely? Nobody in the whole wide world?”

Even bit his lip. So hard he tasted metal. Why was he still hard? Sick. He was sick.

“No.” He couldn’t call Isak. He didn’t want to call Mikael. He definitely would not call his mother. He had really burned all the bridges ages ago, his bluster had been just that. Empty words in a loud voice with no effect.

“Very well. Now. We need to put you to sleep. And when you wake up, call me again.”

Even didn’t want to. But he didn’t want to say no to Daddy T, and he didn’t want to use his safeword. So he nodded. He needed to be put to sleep.

“Get yourself a toy, lovely. Something that feels really good to you. Something that makes you lose it. You are so beautiful when you lose it.”

His words soothed Even’s wounds. They were an ointment, all those lovelies and beautifuls. They were so much better words than slut or whore or cheater.  _ Crazy. _ Even got up to get the toy. He was embarrassed to show it to Daddy T. It was his most favourite one and presenting it like this was so dirty. He was so filthy and nasty. It was created only to pleasure the one using it, it was selfish. It felt wrong to be selfish now.

“Very nice. Put it in.”

“Yes, Daddy T.” Even’s voice was barely a whisper. He had surrendered. He had given in. Daddy T knew what was best for him. He lubed up the toy, the kind of pretty, curving little thing, he spread his legs and pushed it inside him. He whimpered a bit, it fit his body so, so well.

“Turn it on, lovely. Touch yourself. And come, come and come until I tell you you can stop.”

Even was a bit nervous. He had come twice already. Daddy T had said it three times. And he might have to give even more. He had a safeword, he whispered to himself in his head, it was okay. He took a deep breath and pushed the button. All that air escaped his lungs in one wailing moan. It felt so good. It was his favourite. Even sat down on the mattress and shoved a pillow under his hips to give him an edge to push his ass against, to control the power of the vibration hitting his insides in just the right place.

“Touch yourself.”

Even whimpered. He lubed his palm and grabbed his twitching, dripping dick. He moved his hand up and down, he moved his hips, pressed himself against the pillow harder and softer, back and forth. It didn’t take long for him to come. He came hard, he didn’t squirt much but the orgasm was intense and shuddering. He was panting after it, the vibrating pressure on his prostate was almost uncomfortable now. He didn’t stop. He eased up the power he was pushing himself against the pillow, he touched his dick softer, but he didn’t stop. He watched Daddy T on his screen, he basked in the acceptance and approval of his gaze. Daddy T was happy and proud of his lovely, and Even noticed just now that Daddy T hadn’t come once. He hadn’t been touching himself at all, he had packed his dick away and was just watching him. Even was the only one coming. And he came, and he came, and he came, after the last time he was reduced to a writhing mass on the bed, laying on his side, squirming. He couldn’t come anymore, not one drop. He hadn’t been told to stop.

“D--daddy T, please, I can’t --”

“Nonsense, lovely. You can. One more time.”

Even’s face was wet with tears again. He wasn’t actually crying because he felt like it, it was more like. His body couldn’t contain it. He couldn’t hold himself together. So he wept. He whimpered and he touched his raw dick, over and over again. He thought about Isak. He thought about Daddy T fucking Isak, making Isak come like this, come when he really couldn’t come anymore. Isak’s face when he was just about to come, the moment he lost all control of his expressions, the split second of just before -- he came. He came with Isak, he came and it was more pain than pleasure but there was pleasure in that pain, in the surrender, of making his body give its all and then some to Daddy T. He collapsed. He pulled the toy out of himself without waiting for an order or permission. He was done.

“I’m so proud of you, lovely”, Daddy T said softly. “Now sleep. Call me when you wake up, promise?”

Even couldn’t answer him. He was spent. He couldn’t move a muscle, he could barely think, and then he couldn’t do even that anymore. He shut down. He was done.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Overdosing, Hospitalization

Even woke up disoriented. He tried to open his eyes and look around to see where he was, but he couldn’t. He didn’t have the strength. He dragged his eyelids open but they slammed shut immediately. Everything got black again.

He had no idea had he fallen back asleep and if he had, for how long. He just kind of startled himself awake, eyes wide and his heart racing. Where was he? When was he? This was why he didn’t like sleeping anymore, it was so confusing to come out of. The line between dream and reality stayed clearer when he didn’t cross it.

Also, sleeping didn’t do any good either. He was still exhausted. He checked the computer. Daddy T had hung up the connection, he could see only his own image. He looked like shit. He had dried up jizz all over his body, his skin looked gray and dead, his eyes and face were puffy. Why wasn’t he beautiful anymore? What had happened to him?

He saw the toy on the bed. It hit him. The memory of his session with Daddy T, of his whoring session, he had been paid money for sexual favours and he had been the one who made the first call. He was a whore. He was Daddy T’s lovely. He had cheated on Isak. No, lovely, not cheating, business, cheating, business, cheating. Cheating.

He had loved it so much.

Even had to cover his mouth to stop himself from screaming. It didn’t work, he screamed anyway, a long devastated cry, muffled by his palm. Then he screamed again. It was a raw scream, primal, the ultimate sound of pain and powerlessness facing the pain. The cry of a mother holding her dead child, the cry of a brother watching soldiers execute his sister, the cry of loss, desperation and knowing that life will never be the same again.

“Asshole”, he whispered to himself, without making a sound. He was a fucking asshole. And he had no right to compare his state to losses like that, to something that was actually devastating instead of this sad excuse of a pain. And it was all his own doing, too! He had no right, absolutely no right to feel sorry for himself, yet that was all he could feel. Sorry. And ashamed. His face distorted in that cry, he was bawling with his mouth open, mucus running down his face from his nostrils. His breathing was a sad excuse of a breath, broken and stumbling and raw.

When he couldn’t scream anymore he started sobbing. He curled up into a ball on the bed, his legs bent under him, his arms crossed over his head. He rocked back and forth, trying to soothe himself, in vain. He was past comfort and consolance. He was past everything good, he was all wicked. Twisted. Distorted. And selfish, so fucking selfish, he had cheated on Isak and he was feeling bad  _ for himself. _ What a fucking dick.

He cried himself empty. The he cried some more. Daddy T had taught him that there was still some left when it felt like there wasn’t. He had learned well. Thinking about Daddy T made him feel sick to his stomach. Not because of what he had done with him, but because he wanted Even to call him. To talk about this. About his insanity. Crazy, crazy, crazy, it spun in his head and trashed itself against the walls, cackling like a maniac.

Maniac. He was a fucking maniac.

_ Even is crazy. _

He needed his pills. He hadn’t been taking them in a long time, longer than he was willing to admit, and this was the cost. Even pulled himself up and staggered into the kitchen. There they were, covering the kitchen table, pills. Even returned to the bedroom to get his phone. He went to the kitchen table and laid down, resting his face and upper body on the pills, he looked into the camera and took a selfie. He sat up, with pills pressed onto his skin, stuck on it in intricate patterns, and took another selfie. Fuck he was beautiful in his decay. These could become iconic images, he looked so tragic.

Even took one pill and put it on his tongue. He pushed his tongue out of his mouth and took a picture. Oh yes. Amazing shit. He grabbed a handful from the table and poured them from his palm onto his face and into his open mouth, taking pictures in rapid fire. Yes, oh yes, he was beautiful. More. Another handful, he caught as much of them in his mouth as he could. When he closed his mouth he couldn’t get his lips to meet. Perfect. After taking the perfect picture he pushed the pills out of his mouth onto his palm. He looked at them. They were so interesting, a white lump in various states of disintegration. Even poked at it with his finger, breaking it up into smaller lumps, then he put it all on the table and took another handful. The pills stuck on his skin rattled on the floor, click clack.

He kept taking selfies. He chewed up some pills and opened his mouth to show the mush. He spread it on his face. He needed more. He filled his mouth with the pills and chewed them into paste and spread it all over his chest and face. It tasted horrible. It felt dangerous. It looked incredible.

Even was sure he couldn’t possibly throw up anymore. So he made himself do it one more time. He pushed his fingers into his throat and forced himself to gag, but his stomach was empty. He was empty. Even looked at the pills floating in the toilet, dozens and dozens of them. At some point he had just started eating them, swallowing them dry, and then he had gotten terribly sick to his stomach. He hadn’t eaten anything else in over a day, and his stomach hadn’t agreed.

Had he tried to kill himself?

Why didn’t he know the answer to that question?

He was feeling dizzy and nauseated. He had no idea how many pills he had actually digested. Didn’t they digest faster if they were chewed up first? How long had he been taking his pictures?

Why was he thinking that maybe death wasn’t all that bad anyway?

Even had never been so ashamed as when the ambulance came and he was still conscious and very much alive. He had tried not opening the door to the paramedics, but when they said they’d break down the door he had gone to let them in. He was still naked. He had pills stuck on his skin. One of the paramedics sat him down to talk - he did not want to talk, he tried not to - and the other one checked the apartment. When Even couldn’t tell how many pills or what pills he had taken they wanted to take him to the ER anyway. Even got dressed and left his new phone on the kitchen counter. He didn’t want anyone to steal it at the hospital. It was fucking expensive.

 

Even didn’t remember much about the following days. He had been taken to the ER, he had - so he had been told - been disoriented and delusional, and he had been admitted to the psych ward. He had mostly been sleeping. And talking with his doctor. She was doing a great job in not yelling at Even, but Even was convinced it had been a struggle.

Finally it was time to go home. He had been rehydrated and finally slept so much that he had caught up with his debt. He had been given new drugs to take. They seemed to work. At least he was feeling more stable. And tired. Fucking exhausted. He didn’t want to go home. What if Isak was there? What could he possibly tell him?

He heard voices when he opened the door. Talking. That stopped the second he entered the apartment. Eskild came out of the kitchen. Even stared at him, petrified. He could not do this. He could not do this he would die. He just wanted to hug Isak forever and go to bed. To sleep.

Eskild hugged him. Tight. Even just stood there, not knowing what to do. Then Eskild let go. He didn’t say anything, just put his shoes on, took his things and left. Even couldn’t move. He stared at the kitchen door. Isak was there. Only a few steps away. He couldn’t take those steps.

“I was at the ward.”

Silence. The silence in the apartment felt like it was radiating from the kitchen, from a center mass, dark and heavy. Isak’s heart.

“I almost died. I didn’t mean to.”

He took a hesitant step. His need to see Isak was stronger than his shame. He needed to see Isak, no matter how disappointed or tired or angry or bored he looked.

The mess was gone. All the dirt and bits of clay and pills were gone. Isak was sitting by the kitchen table, his hands resting on the tablecloth. Between his arms read in Even’s handwriting but in huge letters GONE TO LOONEY BIN HA HA HA. Even covered his mouth with his palm.

Isak pushed his palms against the table and stood up. He walked to Even. He didn’t look at him. Even didn’t look at Isak, either, but he could see he wasn’t looking at him. Not at his face. He looked at Isak’s hands, they took his. Even closed his eyes. He felt Isak’s forehead lean against his.

They stood like that for a long time. Even was drinking Isak’s silent strength into himself in greedy gulps. Isak squeezed his hands harder. He squeezed back.

“I’m so tired”, Even whispered. He was. He was so tired of himself and of his pain and of his shit and of his shame. He had hurt Isak in so many ways. And here Isak still was. Not leaving him.

“Come on”, Isak said. “Let’s get you to bed.”


	7. Chapter 7

When Even woke up Isak was there beside him. He was just there, so close, and Even was lost again - was this a dream? He yawned. He rubbed his eyes. When he opened them again Isak was still there, his green eyes deep and dark pools of love and worry mixed together. Even remembered lying like this, years and years ago, and he remembered how fragile and young Isak had looked then. This time he looked different. He looked strong in a way that took its power from experience, from knowing he can do this, not just from blind young faith in the power of love.

That moment Even knew he would survive.

“Hey”, Isak said silently. Even moved his head, maybe it was a nod. Something that showed Isak he had heard him. He didn’t say anything, he was too ashamed to talk. He had way, way too much explaining to do, and so little to explain it with.

“We are going to talk about this, Even. And about everything. But we aren’t going to do that until you are ready for it, okay?”

Even moved his head again.

“I love you so much, whether you deserve it or not. Love doesn’t give a shit about deserving anyway.” Isak tried to laugh at his own joke but it was dry and hollow. Even didn’t find it funny either. When Isak pressed his forehead against his he closed his eyes.

“I love you. You will make it. We will make it.”

Even’s fingers crept slowly over the blanket and grabbed the hem of Isak’s hoodie. Lightly, like they knew he had no right to touch him. Isak placed his hand on Even’s cheek. It was a bit dry, warm.

“It will be okay.”

Even wanted to say a million things. He wanted to say sorry, and I love you, and I don’t think it will, but I want to trust you on this, I know I can’t be trusted on this or much else right now. But he couldn’t say any of those things. He hoped Isak knew them anyway. Something about the way Isak was looking at him gave him cautious hope that he did.

They spent days like that. Isak had arranged things at work so that he could handle his projects from home for now. It was all done on the computer anyway, it didn’t really matter where he was sitting. Even slept a lot, and while he did, Isak worked. Whenever Even opened his eyes, Isak was there, either laying on the bed with him, awake or asleep, or sitting by the desk he had dragged into the bedroom and working. Their whole world had shrunk into that one room. That was about as much of world Even felt he could handle.

“You know what?” Isak said on the third night, softly. “I love you, but you stink. Would you take a shower with me?”

How did he do it? How could Isak be nothing but kind, loving and understanding? Even had barely said a word since he had collapsed into this bed, and he was still wearing the same clothes and yes, he was getting stinky, and he had not given Isak anything but a weak signal, a faint connection through his eyes. How could that have been enough? Had that been enough? If Isak had actually cheated on him with someone, it would have been completely understandable.

“Evy? Love?”

He blinked. Right, Isak had asked a question. Even tried raising his head from the bed. He got it up. The rest of his body was harder to move, but with Isak’s help he got up. First sitting, then standing. Isak pulled his hoodie off over his head and pulled his pants down. He stepped out of them slowly. He remembered the last time he had been naked in this apartment, rolling around in pills and telling the paramedics what he had been doing. His skin rose to goosebumps even though he wasn’t cold. He glanced at the bedroom door, and then Isak, naked Isak by his side, took his hand.

“It’s okay. I’m here.”

He was. He was here. He was here and Even did not understand why. He was looking at the floor, at their feet, but that just made him notice the scars on Isak’s ankle. A raspy rugged sob got tangled into his throat. Isak squeezed his hand.

“Come on. Let’s go. You can do this.”

Even stopped at the threshold. He could not do this. He knew the pills and mess were gone but that was still all he could see. He knew how many knives they had in the kitchen and which one was the sharpest. He did not want to see their home as a series of possibilities to end it all. He wouldn’t do it, he was almost certain of that, but the mere thought tainted everything it touched.

“Evy?” Isak’s voice was calm. How could he be so fucking calm when the world was about to burn? He had taken a ticking time bomb by the hand and seemed to think nothing of it. It was a relief, too, but Even did not, absolutely not, deserve relief.

“Don’t call me that”, Even mumbled. He was not Evy, he hadn’t been him for a long time, and no matter how hard Isak tried to pretend he was it didn’t change it.

“Please tell me what’s wrong.”

Even wanted to cry. So he laughed.

“I don’t want to go out there.”

Isak stepped through the door. Even pressed his heels in the floor instinctively. He would not be dragged out here, except kicking and screaming. Then Isak turned and faced him. He let go of Even’s hand and grabbed his face, cupping his hands on boths sides, softly.

“Why?”

Even shook his head. No. He didn’t want to say. He was too ashamed to. He was somewhat certain that it’d scare Isak away and he would not survive that, not one time more. Isak wouldn’t budge. He repeated his question, then said he loved him, then asked again. No. No.

“Even. I choose to be here. Do you understand? I have no obligation, nothing is forcing me into this. I have options. A million options. I choose this.”

He looked Even in the eye. He didn’t let him look away, he was holding his face and holding his gaze. He was so fucking beautiful.

“I really don’t think you should.”

“I know. I have been here before. With you. And I will make it out of here. With. You.”

Even moved his head. Isak didn’t let go. Instead he reached over and touched Even’s lips with his. His lips knew what to do, Even didn’t even think about it when he had already kissed Isak. Then he just kind of kept going. The longer they were kissing the longer he got to stay right here, on the safe side of the border.

Isak pulled away from the kiss.

“Close your eyes. Follow my body.”

Isak kissed him again. He wrapped his arms around Even, one hand behind his neck and the other one around his waist. He stepped back, his mouth glued on Even’s, his tongue tickling at his lips in short flicks, he pulled him with him. Even closed his eyes. He was just kissing Isak. He was naked with Isak, he could feel the warmth radiating from his skin, from his body, his amazing, lovely body he would love even if parts of it were missing, or oddly shaped, or out of proportion, or anything, anything, because that was Isak’s body and he loved it as much as he loved him. And he followed that body. He felt the surface change under his feet, floor to rug to floor to tile, Isak turned them around and let go of his waist, keeping his hand behind his neck, keeping him in the kiss. Then Even heard the door close and Isak let go of him slowly.

“We’re here. You made it.”

Even opened his eyes. The fluorescent light hurt his eyes, not because it was bright but because it was so flat. It stripped beauty off of things. But Isak’s beauty was immune to that, he noticed, when he looked at him. He was there, he was beautiful, and he had chosen this. He had chosen him. Even tried to kiss him again, hungrier, but Isak tasted the hunger on his tongue and turned his head away.

“You’re not in a state to give consent, love. You need something else than sex. Believe me, I’ve been there.”

Even didn’t know which was worse, Isak’s rejection or that he might have been right. And their combination was almost too much to bear. He tried to breathe and it was so much work, something was sitting on his chest and pressing down. Isak placed his hand there, on his heart, and he took his hand and placed it on his heart.

“I love you. I want you. I miss you and your body and what it can do to mine. But now we need to clean you up and feed you. Okay?”

Even kept his hand on Isak’s chest. He could feel Isak’s heart beat under it, and he could feel his own beat against Isak’s palm, and he probably imagined it but the beats were slowly synchronizing. They were becoming one heart, one circulation, one entity, and he was okay with letting Isak be the part of that entity who decided what should be done. Isak had survived his own downward death spiral and he had done that without him, all alone, Even trusted him on this. He nodded, slowly. He was the first one to let go. He trusted Isak on this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tags: Fights, Emotional Hurt, Blow Jobs, Kitchen Sex, Eventual Happy Ending
> 
> YES PEOPLE! Reflections series WILL END HAPPY.
> 
> Not quite yet though.

On the fifth night after his return Even woke up to Isak talking. He was talking quietly and in the kitchen, but he was talking. Even raised his head from the pillow. He couldn’t hear other voices. Isak was on the phone. Even got out of the bed and walked to the bedroom door. He couldn’t hear properly, even though the door was cracked open. He pushed it slowly open and that helped, he heard some words. One of them was his name. So he went further. He used Isak’s voice as a beacon through the dark waters that he used to call home, and stopped at the kitchen doorway.

“Thanks. Love you, man.”

Isak put the phone down. When he noticed Even he jumped a bit, then smiled.

“Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Who was that?”

There was a flash of something pained on Isak’s face. Just a brief flicker but Even noticed it before it disappeared. Isak licked his lips, to stall. Then he made up his mind. He raised his chin a bit, in silent defiance to hide his fear.

“My best friend. Jonas.”

“You were talking about me.”

Isak looked at him. He was pondering what to say, Even could tell. He waited.

“Yes. You are everything that’s really going on in my life right now. The most important thing.”

Even bit his lip briefly. He wanted to say something mean. He wanted to push Isak and his throne of martyrdom down just a notch. He made a compromise.

“You chose that.”

Isak sighed. He looked at the bare table in front of him. They hadn’t gotten a new tablecloth yet.

“Yes. I don’t regret that choice, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Don’t tell me what I’m wondering.”

“Do you want to fight? Is that what this is?”

Yes.

“No.”

It was really satisfying to see Isak roll his eyes.

“I need to talk about this to someone, Even. I’m worried sick all the time and I need to talk about this.”

“Don’t you have a therapist?”

“Fuck you! My therapy is for MY shit, not yours.”

Isak had a fair point there. But for the first time in days Even was feeling  _ something _ and he was not willing to let that go just yet.

“I don’t remember asking you to do this.”

“Even, please. Just stop.”

“It’s just funny that of all people you chose him to talk about my failure as a person.”

“He. Is. My. Best. Friend.”

Isak spoke quietly but Even could tell he was upset. He could tell he was holding back and he really wanted to see what it was.

“You said you love him. Do you say that to all your friends?”

“I’m not going to have this discussion with you.”

“Oh, so there is something to discuss?”

Whore. Cheater.  
Crazy.

“Of course there isn’t! Fuck! What the fuck are you doing?”

“Trying to get to the bottom of this.”

Isak looked at him. The distance between them was only a couple of meters but it stretched out into miles. Even felt so far away.

“I’m happy to see you’re feeling better. But you have no right to do it on my expense.”

It was so much easier to shoot from afar. Even looked at Isak through his rifle’s scope. He could see the cross, and moved it over Isak’s heart.

“Then why don’t you just leave. Again.”

A direct hit. Too bad he was pulled close to him again at the moment of impact. He saw Isak’s chest rip open and the blood splatter all over the walls, floor and him. He could smell the blood. He wanted to undo what he had done, but you can’t chase the bullet back into the gun.

Go big or go home.

“Oh, that stings? Why don’t you go find a blade somewhere then?”

Seeing Isak’s face sure made Even feel something.

Isak stood up. Then he sat back down because his legs couldn’t carry his weight from all the shaking. For a moment Even thought he might just faint, he was so pale. All his blood was on the walls and Even’s hands.

Even couldn’t move, either. He couldn’t say anything. What in the name of fuck could he have said after that? A part of him was happy that he had said it. The part that had been so fucking hurt by Isak leaving him to fend for himself. Twice. He had ended up a prostitute and then suicidal and Isak had just. Not been there. That was his deepest, darkest pain, the pain he had no right to feel because he had deserved it.

“I had no right to say that.”

He took a breath. It was slow, but shallow.

“But I needed you. And you left. Twice.”

Another breath. Was Isak breathing at all?

“I hate you for that. I love you but for that, I hate you so much.”

Even stepped closer. Isak didn’t move. He looked so broken. All the strength, the silent strength in him Even had seen in the last days and that had been keeping them both afloat was gone. Even made sure to look at him carefully, to see what he had done, to memorize it all.

“The part that hurts most is that I think I deserved that.”

Isak made a sound. It didn’t sound human. Even took another step, then one more, then he was right next to Isak. He could feel the red sticky puddles under his feet.

“I needed you to know that.”

He touched Isak’s shoulder. He flinched but didn’t move away. He made that sound again.

“I don’t think I could have told you in any other way.”

Isak opened his mouth. It twisted, into a voiceless cry. Even squeezed his shoulder just a bit, and it shook under his palm.

“I love you”, Even said, as he felt Isak finally starting to relax. His stomach was soaked wet by Isak’s tears, his back and feet hurt for standing here for almost half an hour, just standing by the chair and letting Isak cling to him, arms wrapped around his waist and crying. He placed his hand into Isak’s hair and played with it softly. “And I’m sorry.”

“Do you -- do you really h-hate me?” Isak whispered.

Even sighed. Oh, poor sweet love. He let his fingers travel lower, tickling at the nape of Isak’s neck with his fingertips.

“I don’t. I did. But not anymore.” His pain was out in the open. It had been spilled all over the kitchen with Isak’s blood and now it was shriveling in the light. “I forgive you.”

Isak pulled back and looked at his shirt.

“Fuck, sorry”, he mumbled, grabbed the fabric and pulled the shirt over Even’s head. He had to stand up to do it and his body’s trajectory ended with his mouth on Even’s. The kiss was almost angry, but it wasn’t, it wasn’t wrathful. It was fire. It ignited Even the second it touched his lips, he returned fire with his mouth, lips, tongue. His hands removed Isak’s shirt and attacked his jeans, struggling them open. He went down on his knees to pull them down, kissing Isak’s skin all the way down, and as he was down there he released Isak of his underwear as well and pulled his hard dick into his mouth.

Isak’s sounds weren’t human again, but this time they were warm, burning. He leaned onto the kitchen table, its edge pressed across his round buttocks, he grabbed that edge and squeezed tight with both hands to keep himself standing. Even lapped up everything Isak’s dick was dripping eagerly, every drop, he took him deeper into his mouth. He pressed the tip against his tongue, hard, he moved his head back and forth, fuck, he wanted to choke on Isak’s delicious, wonderful cock right this instant.

He had missed this taste so much.  
He had missed this scent.

Isak’s hips were bucking involuntarily. Even could hear his voice but couldn’t make out the words, it didn’t matter, he was not really saying anything that didn’t mean please more, or don’t stop. Isak was finally stable enough to let go of the table with one hand, he pressed that hand into Even’s hair and guided his head. Even pulled his sweatpants and boxers down and grabbed his own dick, jerking off with a determined purpose.

“I’m coming”, Isak whimpered. In vain, Even knew that, he knew what it felt like when Isak was pushed to the edge and over it. He moaned, stifled by the dick spilling into his mouth, Isak came hard and plenty. Even couldn’t hold it all in, a trickle of his cum traveled down his chin. He sucked him clean and then pulled back, panting.

“Please”, Isak whispered, laying down on the table. He spread his fingers on his stomach, stroking it, still panting. Even wiped his face clean with his thumb and smirked, got up and stepped closer to Isak. He was standing over him, letting him see his dick and his hands, how he kept jerking off and looking at Isak. He was fucking beautiful, panting and squirming in anticipation, and it didn’t take long for him to come too. He came on Isak’s stomach, Isak squaked delighted at every squirt, and after pulling out every drop for him, on him, Even collapsed on the chair.

He pulled the chair closer, between Isak’s legs. He bent down and licked his stomach clean. Then he rested his head on that stomach, on that skin that was glowing for him now, breathing in all the scents of them and their juices.

“I love you”, Even whispered.

Isak moved his hand slowly. Pushed his fingers into Even’s hair.


	9. Chapter 9

Even looked at the schedule on the fridge door. He sighed.

“It just feels so stupid. I’m not a child.”

Isak stepped behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist. He pressed his cheek between Even’s shoulder blades.

“I know, babe. You are not a child. But your brain needs this to heal. And I need it to heal, okay?”

Even sighed again. Yes. He knew it, he knew that he simply had to get himself back together, so that he and Isak could stay together. And for that, he needed routine. It was just so hard to not slip from it, he was a creative spirit and that was exactly why he needed the routine in the first place. And that stung. Like crazy.

“I’m scared of our talk.”

They had agreed, together, to express their emotions to each other directly, in words spoken out loud. It was hard. But at the same time it was relieving. They had done it for a week and now they were getting to a point where they felt they could trust the system. Trust each other. It was a relief to not have to guess how the other person was feeling, they would tell you or you could ask. It had been Even’s therapist’s idea. Isak’s therapist had agreed with it.

Isak squeezed him a bit harder for a moment.

“Me too. But we can do it. And if we can’t, then we stop.”

Even could hear Isak swallowing the “okay?” from the end of his sentence. Even had told him it bothered him, when Isak put it in the end of everything he said, like he feared Even would throw a tantrum for not having his opinion heard or something. Isak was trying. They both were trying. He put his hand on Isak’s arm.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Isak kissed the back of Even’s neck, just above the collar of his shirt, and let go. “Now, make us lunch, will you?”

Even didn’t do much these days. But he still liked cooking. Cleaning up the kitchen was left for Isak. Even didn’t have enough fuel for both cooking and the cleaning. And coping, and healing, and all that shit. But cooking calmed him down. It was somewhat a paradox, with all those knives and such, but it just made him feel so domestic. Normal. Chopping onions was something that normal people did.

So he made them lunch. They ate the lunch, and Isak cleaned up the kitchen while Even was lying on the couch playing Bubble Witch with his phone. They helped him, too, pointless mobile games. They had disabled the possibility to pay for anything on Even’s phone, so he wouldn’t empty his bank account purchasing virtual gold or diamonds when he got stuck. It had been a good call. When the kitchen was cleaned Isak went to his desk and got back to working again. The silent clicking of his keyboard soothed Even. He fell asleep phone in hand.

Even woke up when Isak nudged his shoulder gently. He yawned. Had he slept all day? Again? His new meds helped keep him level but they also made him sleep all the time. He had discussed it with his doctor but she had said that his brain also needed to recover from the episode and that the rest was good for him for now. No need to worry.

It was so weird, existing like that. It was like he was floating in nothing, and like he was nothing, except that all the nothing hurt like hell and felt so heavy on his chest he couldn’t breathe. How could nothing, gathered up on nothing, have been so heavy? Or was he just that weak?

“Even?”

Oh. Isak had asked something. Even blinked, rubbed his eyes and yawned again.

“Mmhm?”

“Try to keep awake for me, okay? If you sleep all day you can’t sleep at night.”

Even knew what Isak meant. If he didn’t sleep at night, he’d lay in bed, awake, feeling the full weight of nothing. He’d keep Isak awake until he couldn’t keep awake anymore and then be hurt by Isak drifting into sleep when his meds kicked in. It was better for both of them if Even could also fall asleep at night.

So he sat up. He checked the time. Two more hours until Isak got off work. Two more hours until the Talk. Even gave Isak an absent minded kiss and let him get back to work. He opened the notes on his phone. He had written down things he wanted to tell Isak. He was so scared of saying any of them out loud to him. But he couldn’t just go grab a rifle and fire at him again like he had done earlier, and he sure as hell couldn’t keep them inside him anymore. He was more scared of what Isak would have to say. But this was a two way street, this exercise. Exorcism, Even chuckled in his head. It was time to open the windows and chase the spirits out. Two hours more.

Even sat in front of Isak. He was sitting on the couch and Isak had taken a chair from the kitchen. It was slightly higher, so now their eyes were on the same level. Even looked straight into Isak’s eyes and held his hands, both of them.

“I see you”, Isak said. It was a statement. Isak saw him.

“I see you”, Even replied. “And I hear you.” He wanted Isak to go first. He was committed to listen to him. To really hear him.

“Okay”, Isak said. He took a deep breath. “I want you to know that I am sorry for leaving you. Twice. I am sorry for making you hurt like that. But I think that --”

“No, Isak. Don’t think.” This exercise wasn’t about thinking. It was about feelings. How they felt, and how they had to share their feelings with each other to make this work.

“Oh. Right.” Isak blushed a bit. It was so adorable. “I feel hurt by it. It hurts that me taking care of myself meant leaving you to deal with it alone. Thinking about you here, covered in pills, makes me feel physical pain. I should have been here.” Isak squeezed Even’s hands tightly for a moment. Then he released the squeeze. “I hear you.”

“I feel bitter. And sorry. And most, most I feel ashamed. I’m so ashamed of making you have to leave. You were right to leave, and that’s killing me.”

Even saw a tear roll on Isak’s cheek. Just one. He followed it with his gaze until it dove under his jawline. Then he looked into Isak’s eyes again. To see his pain. Or maybe it was his own pain, mirrored. Reflected.

“I don’t know how to fix this.”

“You are fixing this right now, Evy. You and me both. I see you. I hear you. I love you.”

“I’m scared you will leave me again and I will die.”

Isak’s hands were shaking in Even’s. Even had never seen his eyes this full of pain that didn’t freak him out. It was a valid pain. It was a pain they were doing something about together. Even nodded slightly. “I hear you.”

Isak sat silent for a long time.

“Can we stop this? I can’t..I don’t know how to say anything.”

“You don’t want to talk anymore?”

“I do! I just. I can’t follow the rules and say what I need to tell you.”

What he needed to tell. Even remembered vividly the last time someone in this apartment told the other one what they needed to tell. There was still Isak’s blood under his fingernails, a persistent stain.

“Okay. I’m listening.”

Even let go of Isak’s hands and leaned back. Isak crawled next to him, resting his head on Even’s armpit. Even welcomed him there. He wrapped his arm around Isak  and stroked his upper arm. Slowly. Gently. Isak played with the string of Even’s hood.

“It’s okay”, Even said, after a long silence. “Just tell me.”

Isak curled up tighter against him. Even wrapped his arm further, enveloping him with his body. Protecting him. Isak pressed his face against Even’s ribs.

“I’ve been talking with Tom.”

Even couldn’t decide what to feel. Terror, shame, jealousy - of which one?! why didn’t he know?! - all whirled around him, grabbing pieces of his flesh with their talons and tearing them off with them. Only bones left, with scrape marks.

“He told me about you.”

Shame. It won. Tom told Isak about him, and he didn’t have to ask what Tom had told. Everything. Isak hadn’t ask him anything since he got back, not one thing, and now Even realized why. He knew already. Even couldn’t move. He could barely feel his body, and Isak’s body against it. He would die. He was certain of it, he’d die, right there and then.

This time he would have welcomed death.

“When he couldn’t reach you he got worried and called me. I almost didn’t pick up, but he kept calling until I did. He told me about what you had told him and that he was worried you had done something --” Isak’s voice faded into a sniffle. Was Even’s shirt wet? He wasn’t sure.

“I cheated on you.” Business, my pet. No. Cheating.

“I know”, Isak whispered. He placed his hand lightly on Even’s stomach. “Tom told me later. He told me everything I asked him. About you. About me. About himself too, did you know he has kids now? Or, well, they’re his husband’s kids. He adores them.”

“Oh? That’s nice.” Even didn’t know what to say. Isak knew everything he had ever told Tom. Or done with him. Isak knew all his sins and that was so terrifying.

He felt so violated.

Maybe he had deserved that.

“I have forgiven him”, Isak said silently. “He. He’s done terrible things to both of us but he’s not a bad man.”

“You’ve forgiven him for cheating on you. With me? And who knows who else?”

Isak nodded. His cheek rubbed the wet - yes, it was wet - fabric of  Even’s shirt onto his skin.

“He did wrong. But he meant good.”

“He is an asshole!”

Isak pressed himself tighter against Even. Grounded him. Anchored him.

“So are we, Evy.”

He had a point, there. They were assholes. Both of them.

“He’s not crazy. He has no excuse.”

“It’s not an excuse. It’s an explanation.”

“Whatever! He has neither.”

It felt refreshing. To be mad at someone else for a change. Like a splash of cool water.

“Even. He kept you above the surface when you were alone. Twice. He didn’t have to do that, but he did, and for that I am forever grateful. He also kept me going on. He gave me everything he thought I needed, and more.”

“His mistake was to not actually find out what you needed.”

“And my mistake was to give myself to him when I was still yours. At least he tried to fix his mistake by bringing us together. He gave up his friends for me. Eskild never spoke to him again.”

“For a fucking reason”, Even scoffed. He was so pissed! Tom had told Isak everything! He had no right to spill out all his sins out in the open like that, he had trusted his Daddy T. Why didn’t he take care of him like he had promised?

“I can’t make you forgive him. But I have. I. I understand him. What it’s like when you try to fix things the wrong way. Thanks to him I was strong enough for you.”

“You left!” Even squeaked.

“But this time it didn’t almost kill me too, Evy. I’m here now thanks to Tom.”

Even tried. He really tried to understand. To hear Isak, to listen to him, to find inside himself a morsel of forgiveness for Tom. And maybe he found one. Tiny. He looked at it, rolled it around on his palm, and then he found another one. And another. Isak’s words made him locate them, words like  _ strong enough for you. _ Even felt them with his thumb, grains of sand coarse against his hand.

“I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”

Isak nodded.

“I don’t want you to talk to him anymore, either.”

Isak nodded again. He wrapped his arms around Even and held on tight.

“I don’t need him. I have you.”

Even closed his eyes. Isak had him. It was his fucking job to make sure Isak had him. He would. He would.

He would.

“Always.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter. Short. I ran out of things I wanted to say, so I stopped talking. Thank you for making this journey with me. With us. Love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> added tag: Tooth-Rotting Fluff
> 
> we've earned it, people

Isak jumped when Even touched his shoulder from behind. He turned around and when he saw Even his anxious face melted into a smile.

“Hey, babe, I didn’t notice you come in.”

Even gave Isak a quick kiss.

“I just arrived. Everything looks so great. Professional.”

Isak looked also great, and professional, in his slim cut suit and tie and his headset. Even was practically drooling. Or, he would have been, had he not been so nervous. The opening ceremony would take place in less than an hour.

“Are you just saying that to ease my nerves?” Isak tried to laugh but Even could tell, he was scared. It was almost adorable. Even took his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, reassuring.

“I’m not. I know this is your first bigger event, but I know I can trust you. Everything is perfect, and tonight will be a hit.”

Isak looked around in the gallery. The place looked great. The bar was stocked and in half an hour Mahdi, the master of mixology, would be behind it making sure everything was ready. Jonas had still kept in touch with him irregularly and Mahdi had been happy to do this for them pro bono. For a good cause.

“I’m so lucky to have you, you know that?” Even whispered. Isak nodded.

“Yes. I mean, no. I mean..I’m lucky to have you, too!” Isak blushed. Even chuckled.

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Why?”

“For making this happen.”

“This was your idea, Even. Kaleidoscope is your creation.”

“Creation was all I did. You made it  _ happen. _ That’s important.”

Isak tried to resist. Even shut him up with some butterfly kisses on the side of his neck. That worked, like every time.

“Have you memorized your speech?” Isak asked. Even nodded.

“Good evening, and welcome to the opening night of our first charity event. Kaleidoscope Foundation has barely started, but it’s already begun to build a movement. Our goal, our dream -- no, our  _ vision _ is a world where no child or youth has to try and deal with their problems alone.”

Isak smirked.

“Are you going to tell me the whole thing just to prove a point?”

“Maybe. Or I could be kissing you for the five minutes instead?”

Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s neck.

“Four minutes. I have things to do.”

A couple of hours later the gallery was buzzing with people. Noora had really pulled all the strings, she had arranged an incredible press coverage for the opening night. Even had posed in so many pictures he had lost count. Mahdi had mixed him something alcohol free that tasted absolutely divine and looked great, and he was grinning ear to ear basically all the time. Jonas came to him, a glass of champagne in his hand.

“So, you chickened out after all?” Jonas was grinning as well. Even shrugged.

“Not really.”

“Did you lose the ring?”

Even patted his chest pocket. There it was, still there, not lost.

“I want him to have a chance to say no. How can you trust a yes that has no options?”

Jonas nodded.

“Fair enough. It just seemed like a lost opportunity for a grand gesture.”

Even laughed.

“I’ve had my share of grand gestures, for now.”

Jonas looked over Even’s shoulder.

“That’s my favourite one”, he said and pointed at the huge print on the wall. Even turned around to look at it. It was the one where he posed with pills on his skin, a map of death and decay.

“I look like shit.”

“That’s the point, isn’t it? It’s really powerful.”

Isak walked to the picture and placed a red round sticker on its sign. Even raised his eyebrows.

“It already sold?”

Isak smiled.

“It’s the fourth one to sell.”

Jonas raised his glass at both of them and then went away to mingle. Even barely noticed him leave.

“Fourth? At these prices?” He had been worried about them being too high, but Jonas had convinced them. This was his gallery, after all. He knew what he was doing.

Isak was radiating.

“Funding wise we can start #notalone tomorrow.”

Even kissed him. He was so happy. He was so proud. Of both of them. Kaleidoscope and #notalone were their creation. And the pictures he had taken of himself and of Isak, pictures of their madness and pain, hanging on these gallery walls, were making it all possible. Even had been looking at these pictures for so long that he had started to see their beauty behind the pain. They had stopped hurting.

Isak slipped his hand into Even’s and pulled away from the kiss. He looked amazing. Grown up. Content. Even could’ve looked at him for hours.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

Even smiled.

“Yes, yes you do. Let me get that for you.”

Even pressed his thumb lightly at the corner of Isak’s mouth. There was a line on his face, it started by his nose and dove down along the edge of his cheek. He was older. They both were. Even adored every mark of age on this face, they meant that Isak had made it. He was still alive. He had gotten older. They would get older together.

“What is it?” Isak whispered.

“Love, Issy. Love.”


End file.
